i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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