Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
