im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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