Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
