I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
