Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I cannot find my penis.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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