I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
