literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
