I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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