I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
