Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
