I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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