My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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