I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
