You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
