Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
