Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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