i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
