I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
