I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you had me at cake vodka
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize