so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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