A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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