You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
