You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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