You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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