can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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