fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
