Rock
Scissors
Fuck
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
