According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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