I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
