Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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