I hate all girls vehemently.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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