i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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