when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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