hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
