Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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