Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
