dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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