I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
