im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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