Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so let's talk penis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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