fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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