Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
