just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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