I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
