I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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