if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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