The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize