I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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