I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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