just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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