I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
