I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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