It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
