i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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