remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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