We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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