She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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