My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
God I need to hump something, right now.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
