Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
