yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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